Caught On Tape: The Dangers Of Snowboarding Into A Tree Well « CBS Los Angeles#comment-87315#comment-87315

Caught On Tape: The Dangers Of Snowboarding Into A Tree Well « CBS Los Angeles#comment-87315#comment-87315

TV To Find GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR

      Due to recent debate in the Media concerning Myself versus PSIA Ski Instruc­tor Politics, I GARY HEINS, U.S. SKI TEACHER, do challenge any PSIA Certified In­structor, any World Cup or Olympic Skier, any World Famous Extreme Skier, any Ski School Director, any Ski-Bum, or Whoever . . . to see who can take a dozen college-age beginning ski students through twelve weeks of ski instruction, . . . and see who ends up with the best batch of skiers. The winning teacher could be deemed The GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR In the West.

      But these dozen-or-so college-age ski students have to be First-Day Begin­ners, and they must be drawn at random to each Instructor or Coach, similar to the way Rodeo Cowboys draw their Broncs.  At the end of the twelve-week period, say mid-December to mid-March, these students could be evaluated by General Public Opinion, on safe slopes of varying steepnesses, with common tasks such as: hard-pack cruising, short-swing, powder, crud, moguls, gentle Giant-Slalom Racing, and even teaching a group of First-Day Beginners of their own; how good a time they had, how much they learned, and how many injuries suffered . . . should definitely be considered. 

      I figure we can talk a World Class Ski Area into this proposition, as well as a Reality TV Network and plenty of Sponsors.  Some may argue: "What gives you the right to have your own Reality TV Show?"--well, I'm just looking for an avenue to get credit where credit is due, because PSIA Politics have kept me down at the pov­erty-level and in-n-out of exile for decades.  I am tired of being leveraged-n-forced, by the Powers-That-Be of an unfair socio-economic system, . . . to take dead-end crappy jobs away from a career I have paid my dues in and earned the right to try to excel in.  Besides, this is my idea.  This program would be a fair test to see who's Qualified, not just Politically "Certified."  And wouldn't a show like this be much more fun and productive than watching Charlie Sheen's Rants-n-Raves, John-n-Kate's Divorce, White-House Party Crashers, or Snooki Getting Drunk-n-Fal­ling-Down all day? 

      This move is healthy proactive behavior on my part, and it invokes a crucial point in the Dale Carnegie book How To Win Friends and Influence People: "When all else fails, throw down a challenge."  The author of the books The GREATEST SKI IN­STRUCTOR In the West and One Good Turn Deserves Another--Heinsian DOWNHILL SKIING, I have been criticized time and time again by jealous people who claim I cannot know that much--let's lay it all out on the table where everyone can decide for themselves.  If this GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR Reality Show does not happen, we shall take it that all these other so-called "Professionals" in-charge are afraid of The Truth and afraid of my skills and talents and expertise. 

                              --GARY HEINS

                              U.S. SKI TEACHER

A Savvy Skiboy's Seven Silky Sayin's

From The GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR In the West:

by GARY HEINS

A Savvy Ski-boy's Seven Silky Sayin's For Skillful Skiin'

                I              Nobody can train

                                             a good skier in a hurry,

                                                          and anybody can spoil 'em

                II             Get mounted on ski equipment

                                         as you would a horse-n-saddle,

                                                for your own compat-ability level

                III           Ski every turn . . .

                                        as if it could be your last,

                                              and make thy turns multiply

                IV           Develop three basic skills

                                     for balance--pressure, edge, turning,--

                                                        and be the ski-teacher's PET

                V             Monitor three primary variables

                                 --slope, snow, task--for your comfort-zone,

                                                             and ski fluently in any context

                VI           Ski down the mountain,

                                           not across it, . . . and

                                                be S-turn stern, not Z-turn zingy

                VII          The Golden Rule:

                                   One Good Turn Deserves Another

                                            . . . and then another and another

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The TURN COMMANDMENTS

The TURN COMMANDMENTS of the Ski-School Gods

For all you skiers n teachers not reaching your full potential, here's why:

I               Thou shalt not have any other Ski-School Gods before us, as we, the Lords your Gods, are jealous and greedy Gods; and Thou shalt not take PSIA's name in vain, nor tell the truth about PSIA or our Pyramid-Scheme Ski Schools.  (--You can covet them though.) 

II             Thou shalt buy ski boots too tight even with thin socks, so that your feet may often be cold and numb; and, once your boots "pack-out" in thirty-five days or so, thou shalt buy a new more-expensive pair.  (Hence SnowBoarding, so that the Ski Gods look even more elite.)

III            Thou shalt be confused about ski technology, full of smoke-n-mirrors and planned obsolescence, often having skis too short for your stability and braking needs.  When ski technology gets double-easy, PSIA shall legislate ski techniques quadruple-difficult (--that is, less wedging or stemming, too much carving, less pole-work, and too much contrived technique assigned to the inside ski). 

IV            Thou beginning skiers shalt not be allowed to snowplow or wedge for their initial speed control and gradual-turning needs, because most teachers don't know how to let you let-go of this when the time comes (--it takes confidence and momen­tum to not wedge or stem). 

V              Thou beginning skiers shalt not be allowed the benefit of ski poles in their first lesson, for ease of getting skis on-n-off and balancing, because most teachers don't know how to introduce poles, and because many rental-shop employees don't like dealing with poles (--they make poles sound evil).  (Hence more dysfunctional SnowBoarding.)

VI            Thou shalt be taught to carve more turns than skid, even though carving does not slow you down (unless you dangerously ski uphill, against "the Code," like a runaway truck ramp).  Thou shalt be taught to carve "equally" on the inside ski, even though this is not possible since it has a tighter-radius turn, and even though learning independent-leg-action and favoring the outside ski more is safer and more efficient.  (Any time you cross your tips or do the splits, it's probably because there's too much weight on the inside ski.)

VII           Thou shalt not know about the benefits of intermediate-hardpack linked side-slips for understanding speed-control, . . . nor skidded short-swing turns simulat­ing the steep-n-narrow.  (When was the last time you saw someone going too fast on totally-turned-skidded skis?)

VIII          Thou advanced skiers shalt not know the prized secret blocking pole-plant to help you link short turns in powder, crud, and moguls, and to help you have speed-control down the steep-n-narrow.  (You can't be quicker without this earliest of pole-plants.)

IX            Thou shalt be led to believe that "parallel skiing" is the main goal, even though parallel is the most natural position for your feet to begin with; and Thou shalt not realize that it is okay to independently stem a ski and do One-Good-Turn-at-a-time even in an advanced class whenever going to a new steepness or snow condition. 

X             Thou more cautious and sensitive ski students and low-ranking instructors shalt be deemed "head cases" without access to the banished wiser gentler teachers like GARY HEINS; and Thou shalt always be shown how difficult skiing is rather than how easy it can be.                                                                                                                                                   #