A CHAIR RIDE Before Christmas

'Twas a chair ride before Christmas, when down from a cloud,
Big snow-flakes came falling, and branches were bowed.
My long boards were waxed by the mantle with care,
In hopes that deep powder soon would be here;
The ski-bums were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of face-shots danced in their heads;
And I, in my ski-boots, for a novel nightcap,
Had just settled too, for a long winter's nap. 
. . . When, deep in a dream, there arose such a virgin,
I mounted a chair-lift, to satisfy my urgin': 
Way up on the mount, I rose like an eagle,
Through the forest so white, 'cause of snow, oh, so regal;
When, what to my widening eyes should appear?--
--But a wide open bowl, and-- . . . I emoted a tear. 
. . . Soon there I found myself reaching the summit,
With goggles and snorkel all set now to plummet;
Adrenalin flowing as I jumped off the cornice,
I knew that, with Heaven, this must be the nexus;
And, boy, let me tell you, in this powder-filled bowl,
I knew, in a pole-plant, . . . I had just found my soul. . . . 
But, during these first turns, though I had not a care,
The snow here got so deep! I got gasping for air!
For, when you've found new love in blazing that cold smoke,
You get gasping so hard, it can make a man so choke. 
--More rapid than reindeer, on long boards I came--
As I rode them I shouted and called them by name:
"Now, Fischer! Now, Volkl! Now, Spalding! and Hanson!
On, Rossi! On K2! On, Hart Ski! and Olin! 
To the top of the lift!  To the top of it all! 
Now, Ski Away! Ski Away! Ski Away, All!
. . . Too soon there, I found myself reaching the bottom,
Where I met with the lift-man, whose job is to load 'em:
As I took off my pole-straps and was turning around,
I got a nod from the lift-man, as he made not a sound;
I too spoke not a word, with my head gave a quirk,
And was then on his chair as I sat with a jerk--
But I heard him exclaim . . . as I rose out of sight:
"Happy Skiing, To All! . . . And, To All, . . . A Good Chair Ride!"

SnowBoarding's Less INTERESTING

On a snowboard, there is only so much to talk about and explore. But, on a pair of skis, you have a wide variety of interesting things you can do with your independent legs. And ski poles have several different modes of purpose. Further, snowboarding is a paradox on the bunny-hill: there is nothing harder for a snowboarder to deal with than totally flat terrain, either trying to move or just trying to get up--so beginning snowboarders have a handicap from the get-go. Snowboarders need things just right all the time, not-too-flat and not-too-steep, hence expensive Terrain Parks to accommodate them. Skiers can enjoy it all without having a bunch of self-imposed special needs.

Race COACHES Ain't INSTRUCTORS

Ski-Racing Coaches should not be confused with Ski Instructors, and vice-versa. Whereas a good ski instructor tries to help all skiers improve at their own level, race coaches tend to only deal with skiers who are expert already. A race coach may break a lot of bones and blow out a lot of knees in pursuit of that one World Champion; but a good instructor may only have a few minor injuries per thousands of students. The Racing World can be brutal and cruel to almost everyone involved, but regular Ski School should not have that same Militaristic Atmosphere. When Ski Schools subject their students to Ski-Racing, it should always be on the easiest, most-fun type race course, like Giant-Slalom on low-intermediate hard-pack--anything else would probably be harrassment.

Beginning SNOWBOARDERS Versus SKIERS

When people try SnowBoarding their first time, a high percentage fail for many simple reasons. People who take to snowboarding tend to be skateboarders, surfers, and people who already ski. The innocent people who don't have a head-start often get traumatized that first day even in a formal lesson--they become afraid of the slope-n-snow and the lifts and everything associated with skiing. Then, because of Satisfaction Guaranteed, they try skiing on day-two, but below ground zero. PSIA gods don't see this FUBAR, and they don't care, because they aren't the ones dealing with beginners. But astute instructors notice, when a beginning skier trembles needlessly before the lesson even starts, chances are they were in a very brutal snowboard lesson the day before.

SnowBoarding's TIPPING POINT

When snowboarding came along in the '80s, it got its foot in the door by barely getting on the chair-lifts. Then the Rental Shops noticed, "If we rent out a board instead of skis, we won't have to mess with ski poles or binding settings!"--so lazy rental employees were instrumental in pointing newcomers toward a snowboard instead of a pair of skis. And the infiltration of dysfunctional snowboarding closely paralleled the passage of the American Disabilities Act. Shackled snowboarders played the handicapped card and won. The funny thing is, snowboarders are not handicapped . . . until they shackle that board to their feet. Fact is: SnowBoarding is a SOCIAL EPIDEMIC, and many skiers would not be caught dead on one--but it is not Politically Correct to admit it.

Not Being SHACKLED Is Nice

Independent-leg action is nice. SHACKLED SnowBoarders give up this functional luxury. This is why skiing's been around thousands of years, and SnowBoarding will be a flash in the pan. Still, PSIA-type instructors insist on making skiing more difficult than it is: When the equipment got easier to carve with, they decided to make some of the "New Techniques" triple difficult, like skiing more on your inside ski than is natural. Even though equipment is easier, great instructors and skiers still see it as the same sport it has always been, requiring the same necessary skills.

Getting SOULS In Skiing

It's almost a "Real-Edgious" War. Everyone is scheming for power. PSIA is a pyramid scheme that lives off the high turnover of instructors at the bottom. The Ski Bums masquerading as instructors--if they work full-time, get fed-up within a season or two, and move on; if they work weekends only, they try to avoid the tough job of teaching beginners at all costs. The general public gets crappyskilessons all the way around, and the PSIA gods know it. But the PSIA gods are not living off the business from the public, they are living off the high-turnover of instructors at the bottom. Their approach is GREEDY, while my approach is Spiritual, and I intend to help as many millions of skiers and teachers as possible.

Setting GOALS In Skiing

It's obvious that umpteen thousands of skiers want to be the greatest skier in the world. Then, when I wrote my book The GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR In the West, a whole bunch of people told me: "You can't be that!" It's mostly other older instructors who are jealous of my clever titles--but I don't need their permission, and neither do students who want to reach their potential as a skier or teacher. In truth, when clients spend $700-a-day for a private instructor, they want to know they've got the best, and I am proud to oblige them.

SKI SCHOOL Is As Important As SKI PATROL

Ski Patrol is obviously important the way it urgently saves lives; but it is Ski School's job to prevent tragedy--and this is important if not urgent. However ski schools are often filled with Ski-Bums masquerading as instructors in order to get free skiing and other perks. The few great instructors are outnumbered by the bums, who bring on a lot of disrespect for Ski School from prospective students or even ski patrol. This is why I've written my ski books, to rise above the ski-bum mentality and pecking-order politics that pervade most ski schools.

Misconceptions About PARALLEL SKIING

Far too many people think that Parallel Skiing is the main goal of good skiing; but that is far from the truth. The main goals are learning new steepnesses and new snow conditions, regardless of being parallel. In truth, parallel skiing is more natural and probably easier than doing a basic wedge configuration or a fancy skate-step; however, parallel skis won't guarantee a beginner will have brakes. Your feet are pretty much born parallel; and it is easy for anyone to ski with parallel skis while cruising low-intermediate hard-pack, but that doesn't mean they have mastered skiing. --Some of these "parallel skiers" will never have any business in a tougher snow-condition on a steep slope. Quit dwelling on "Parallel," and start thinking slopes and snows.

SKI POLES Need To Be Taught Right

Many ski instructors don't have the foggiest idea what to teach their students about Ski Poles, especially beginners and advanced students. If poles are confiscated from beginners, then a huge part of the introductory lesson is skipped--and the beginners are without an asset they really need for balance and working bindings and getting up easily. Then, most advanced skiers are never taught one of the most important things in an expert's repertoire: a blocking pole-plant for the steep-n-narrow. The lack of knowing what all they can do with poles . . . is what holds back a high percentage of students. As a ski instructor, if I am bi-polar or even tri-polar, I am proud of it.

'CARVING' Is Another Abused Term

Carving turns, where the tip and tail of the ski take the same razor-edge track, is great when-n-where you can do it. But carving will never slow you down any easier than a runaway truck ramp does--it is better to have brakes when you need them. Good Skidding is your brakes, and even an expert skier needs to start skidding on the steeper parts of an intermediate slope. Witness that the World Cup or Olympic Downhill Race events, often 90mph, are barely done on expert steepness, but mostly on intermediate and even easier steepnesses. And Extreme Skiing is mostly skidded turns, otherwise all extreme skiers would be dead right now.